Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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