It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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