I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
last night I used snow as a chaser
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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