I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Boobs are out for the taking
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
