Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Text me some of your sweat
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
