I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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