i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
