I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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