drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
