I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
