He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
