Moan for me like Helen Keller
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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