like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
