Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
