I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
