I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
