the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
