wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
