if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
