Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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