I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
