i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
