I just threw up on my dentist
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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