How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
