I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
