My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize