I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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