apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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