I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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