I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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