i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
