Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
