Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
