people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
