turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
