He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
