I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you had me at cake vodka
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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