Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i will never coherently bang her
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
