So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
