Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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