Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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