Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize