Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
