I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
