and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
