Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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