Porn is love you can see.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize