Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize