Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize