Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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