Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize