I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
