Sry I called you an 8
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
