hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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