At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
