Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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