I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
