dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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