Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
