You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
