i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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