The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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