I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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