Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
