That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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