i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
