I wish my penis had an off switch
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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