the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize