Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
