and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
