I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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