Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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