I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
