I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dicks are not precious.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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