so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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